Endlessly
by LaPetiteLuciole
Summary: Of all the memories I have, both in life and in death, the hideous fire is the sharpest. I can think of no other corporal pain as intense and all-consuming as that blistering transformation. But even the horrific burning pales in comparison to the pain left in the wake of betrayal and loss. ExB
1. Chapter 1

Authors Note: This is my first attempt at writing fan fiction so please review and let me know what you think! This will be AU and ExB as vamps. Enjoy!

This story does not have a beta, so mistakes are all mine.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

Prologue

BPOV

Of all the memories I have, both in life and in death, the hideous fire is the sharpest. The flames raked across my body, razing away the mortal trappings of this life and leaving me in the ashes of immortality. I can think of no other corporal pain as intense and all-consuming as that blistering transformation. But even the horrific burning pales in comparison to the pain left in the wake of betrayal and loss.

* * *

EPOV

I had been watching her when it happened. Still afraid of everything that could transpire if I got too close, I watched from afar. Across the parking lot, she was inspecting her tires. As intuitive as I was, I was continually stumped by this human. Of course, not being able to see into her thoughts was part of that, but she was also different in another way that set her apart from others her age.

If I was seeing correctly—which I most certainly was—it looked like she was getting emotional while looking at her wheels. Isabella Swan; a most peculiar human indeed. That was when it happened. I saw it in Alice's mind a split second before and didn't have enough time to think things through before acting. The van hit the ice patch and skidded at full speed toward Bella. I tried to make it in time but the last thing I saw before the van blocked me was her innocent face with a look of shock etched across it. It was as if she had maybe heard a piece of surprising news or fallen out of a chair. She didn't look at all like she was about to die.

I got to the van before the others and saw Bella wedged between the death machine and her old red truck. I can remember her so vividly in that moment. She had a look of resignation on her face when she saw me. She sort of half smiled at me before she passed out. I could see that she was almost severed in two—the two automobiles keeping her together. I didn't quite know how she was still alive, but all that mattered was that her heart was still beating. I was going to save her.

It all happened very quickly then. I bit her right there in the school parking lot. It was fast and I had to force myself very hard to focus and not think about the way her blood sang in my mouth. It helped that Alice pulled me away, too, but I'd like to think that my willpower was enough. I could see in Alice's mind that Bella would make it and that gave me hope to try and keep her heart beating. The ambulance arrived quite quickly and they recovered her body somewhat intact. I don't like to remember Bella in that instance, but the problem with a vampire's mind is that every memory is as crystal clear and sharp as the next. Her body looked broken beyond repair—and it was. It was completely beyond human repair. However, as long as I could keep her heart beating, the venom would heal her wounds.

Once we were at the hospital, Carlisle found us immediately and cornered me.

"Edward, what happened?" he queried.

I could read his thoughts. He thought that I drank from her after the accident. He knew how I had reacted in response to our first meeting. He knew how her blood called to me. He thought I lost all control the moment her blood had been spilled from the accident.

"Carlisle, don't worry. I didn't lose control. I just had to save her." I started to think about a life without Bella and my voice rose, "The accident happened and I was too late but I just couldn't let her die! All I could think to myself was "Not her." So I bit her."

"But son, how did you stop? She is your singer." He questioned.

It was a logical question coming from a logical man but I just shook my head. I don't know how I had stopped, or why I had stopped. I had no rational answers when it came to Bella.

"Please. Help her. I can't live without her", I begged.

Carlisle just nodded and walked away. He knew what saving her meant—the death of Isabella Swan. Her human life had to die right along with her mortality. I felt a surge of pity for Chief Swan. I could read his mind and see how much he loved his daughter. It was a sadness to see people mourn her, however, if Bella were to continue existing then she had to die in the minds of all those who knew her before.

Through careful preparation and flawless execution, Carlisle was able to get Bella pronounced as dead and brought the body to the house. I still felt extremely conflicted about the entire situation, but I would have to push my feelings aside and deal with the consequences of this day for both Bella and my family's sake. The fact that his was the police chief's daughter made this case high-profile for this tiny town. Carlisle was risking everything in cleaning up my mess.

Things didn't get easier at home, either. Rosalie's thoughts began to assault me the second she heard my car on the highway. There was no hesitation in her berating questions and comments as I walked in the door.

"I can't understand how this happened," Rosalie hissed, "Do you have any idea how horribly wrong this could go? What if someone sees her and recognizes her? What if Chief Swan finds out? You should have let her die."

A feral growl erupts from deep in my chest.

"Don't" I spit in response.

I know that what happened was impulsive and risky but something inside me rebelled against the thought of living without her. My family had assumed the worst when it happened. Even though they were across the parking lot, they all thought I had killed her when I smelled the blood. Alice was the only one who had faith in me. I could understand why they jumped to the conclusions they did when I saw their thoughts filled with the strange way the girl had consumed me these past couple of weeks.

It wasn't only her blood that had captured my attention but her peculiarities as a human piqued my interest as well. She was unlike any other I had met in my entire existence-so when her life was endangered I not only feared for the loss of her blood but also for the loss of this precious soul.

All these thoughts raced through my mind. My family was looking for an explanation although none would ask aloud. I couldn't help them-how could I explain what happened when I didn't fully understand the situation fully myself?

Rosalie glared at me from across the table. She was extremely upset with me-not only about the fact that we now had to move—obviously staying in the area with a newborn vampire who looked eerily similar to the police chiefs daughter who recently died wouldn't be the smartest idea—but also because of the life I'd stolen. Of us Cullens, Rosalie was the most at war with her fate as an immortal. She longed for the life that was taken by Carlisle, and although she didn't resent him for it, I'm not quite sure she was entirely gracious. For me to have stolen all the potential from Bella Swan's life was the most wretched thing I could do. I couldn't say I disagreed.

As much as I was hopeful that my impromptu saving was successful, I also had immense fear and guilt hanging over my head as to what this would mean for the future, for both Bella and myself. As I continued to field Rosalie's glares and silent accusations I still could only think about the girl lying so still upstairs. I could sense that she was in pain, her heart beating terribly fast. I knew all too well the scorching torment spreading through her veins at this very moment; changing her, transforming her and ultimately saving her. Once again Bella Swan defied all logic by remaining silent throughout. She had not stirred in the slightest since we brought her back home. For my part, the change was usually accompanied by howls and uncontrollable screams, and yet silent she remained.

Jasper walked into the living room. I could see that he was having a truly awful time dealing with everyone's personal emotional storms. Rose was throwing daggers at me and I'm sure Jasper felt the anger rolling off of her.

"He did the right thing you know" Jasper addressed Rosalie. "He couldn't just let her die and you know it".

"But he didn't even think about the consequences of his actions! She is now doomed to this life forever! And not to mention the impact this has on our own family!"

"I didn't have time Rosalie! You were there-you know how fast everything happened! I would've lost her if I waited until she was transported to the morgue. You know she wouldn't have lasted after the van was pulled away from her without the venom already in action!"

"He's right. You already heard Carlisle say he approves of Edward's actions" Jasper responded.

I silently thanked him. He felt it and gave me a reassuring nod. At least it wasn't my whole family who felt hostility towards yesterday's events.

"Yes that's true, but he did NOT say he would've done the same if he were in Edward's place. Approving is not enough. He has to approve-what's done is done!"

"If what's done is done then just accept it, babe", Emmett added coolly as he entered the room. He walked over to her side and attempted to snake his arm around her waist but she shrugged him away and huffed away to their room. Emmett just shrugged and plopped himself down on the couch while simultaneously flicking on the TV.

I could tell from his thoughts that he was truly okay with the decision. In his mind, I didn't have a choice. If Rosalie were in Bella's place, he would have absolutely done the same thing. There was some trepidation evident in his mind, however, regarding the situation that would arise when Bella woke up.

I had to admit I was worried as well. We had interacted, but my relationship with Bella certainly wasn't stable, or even entirely positive. Sure, I was completely fascinated with her since the first time I met her, but I wasn't sure what she thought of me. When she woke up she would be confronted with the truth of our family, but also with the realization that she herself was now immortal. I was beginning to get seriously worried when Jasper piped in.

"Edward, please, for all our sake's, go hunt. Stop thinking about right and wrong and what ifs for a little while".

"Yeah alright" I mused back. I knew he would be appreciative of one less set of emotions to navigate through.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

EPOV

Hunting was a great release for me. It was the only time I could turn off my human sensibilities and let my animalistic side completely take over. I gorged myself on three deer and felt full to the point of spilling over when I decided it was time to get back to reality. I had been gone the whole night and I decided I really needed to start to take on this situation and take responsibility for my actions.

As soon as I started back towards the house, my attention became centered on Bella's heartbeat, as per usual. I laughed to myself thinking of what I'd listen to when it stopped in just a couple hours' time. Then I remembered that there was nothing funny about what I had done to this poor, innocent girl. I could only hope that I'd made the right decision.

When I walked in the door I realized I was the only one home. I turned my phone back on and realized that I had an unopened text from Alice saying that they all went in to town to finalize things before the move and to plant the story of our departure. Clearly we wouldn't be able to stay here.

Carlisle was still working at the hospital for the next month or so, just to wrap things up. It also helped because he could still get blood for Bella since she wouldn't be able to handle being around people for a little while.

I mused to myself about her transformation and what she would be like. I could not deny that I hoped she would be for me what Esme is to Carlisle-my other half. I had felt it even when she was human. This girl had sway over me in a way that none ever had before.

I found myself in her room before I realized my legs had taken me there. She looked so still and peaceful lying on the bed, but I knew what was boiling just below the surface. Already, the venom had done a majority of its work. Her body wasn't the broken thing that we had brought into our house yesterday but a beautiful, young woman. While she had been attractive to me before, now she was stunning. Perfection.

I sat down next to her and held her hand. None of us knew what she was going through, whether or not she could hear us. I figured I would try and talk to her anyways. I explained what happened, how sorry I was, but that I felt I had no choice. I told her how I felt about her; how I couldn't let her go. I asked for her forgiveness and I waited.

Deep in thought, I was a little jolted when I heard the tires of the Jeep pulling up the driveway. Emmett and Rosalie were home from wherever they went. I heard her speaking to Emmett in a hushed tone. Maybe she thought I was still gone but I could hear her easily.

"This is all going to blow up in our face, Em"

"Hon, just give it a rest. We won't know anything until tomorrow anyways. Plus, we were gonna have to move soon even if this didn't happen. Carlisle is looking a little obvious at the hospital. People are noticing."

Silence came after and I could almost feel the icy daggers that Rosalie was shooting at Emmett in that moment.

"Okay, okay but what if—what if this is what is meant to be. What if Edward finally found his mate? He's been a bachelor for over one hundred years. He's gotta be deserving a lady friend by now, right?"

"I could care less"

At that, I'd had enough. I got up from the armchair next to Bella, squeezed her hand and left the house through the window rather loudly. I wanted them to know I'd been home the whole time and heard everything they'd said. I heard Em yell sorry but I didn't turn back.

I came back from hunting to handle this situation but clearly my emotions were still out of control. I needed to be alone.

When I returned from my self-imposed time out, the entire family was home. I could hear them talking up in Bella's room, so I decided to steel myself against their thoughts and see what was going on. I could already tell Carlisle and Esme were relieved to have me home while Rosalie and Jasper wavered somewhere on the other end of the spectrum, though Jasper's reason was not motivated by spite but rather, by self-preservation.

"What is going on?" I questioned as I entered the room. I had a feeling I had just missed a noteworthy conversation about myself. I looked into Alice's thoughts and confirmed that they had been talking about my intervention in Bella's fate.

"I can't figure out what is causing her to be silent. As you all know, I've been present for several transformations and they are always accompanied with the usual sounds of someone burning from the inside out for three days", Carlisle noted.

"She's special...just you wait and see," Alice chimed in and turned to catch my eye.

And I did see. I saw what I had been hoping for-I saw us together. I saw Bella becoming something that I had only dreamed of. I saw my mate. But there was also darkness and fear and it seemed neither I nor Alice could decipher which path was in the immediate future. The events of the next couple days held enough weight to propel us in either direction, and it scared me.

"We don't know what will happen, Alice. We have to just be cautious and wait and take things one day at a time. You, of all people, know how fickle the future can be."

Esme walked over to me and placed her arms around my waist and her head on my shoulder. I could hear her sending her positive thoughts to me, somehow using her motherly powers to sense that I was becoming upset. I could feel the affection that Jasper was picking up from her. I had to take a moment and appreciate how true her and Carlisle's love for me was. I had put them through so much during my time with them and she was reminding me that she would always be there for me, no matter what happened when Bella woke up.

It was in my nature to ruminate on things, so this hope stemming from Alice's visions and Esme's reassurances was exactly what I needed. I could easily see myself spiraling out of control from the extreme guilt and apprehension but I knew that I had an amazing support system that wouldn't let me down. I also knew that they all, including Rosalie, would do everything in their power to make sure that Bella wasn't let down either.

Sensing my momentary peace, Jasper hinted towards the others that it would be alright to let me be. After a gentle squeeze from Esme and another flash of an unbearably promising future from Alice, I was alone with Bella once again.

I stayed by Bella's side through the remainder of the day and all through the next night. I was aware of my family going about their business around me and I was thankful that they let me stay with Bella without interruption.

Jasper had reached out to his contacts to begin the process of acquiring new legal documents for us. It was lucky that we had him and his incredible network for getting things done—even the illegal stuff. Rosalie had insisted that she would not be attending high school again, and therefore we needed to forge some high school diplomas. Esme was also looking to open her own interior design business in the new place so Jasper was working on paperwork to make her seem legitimate. Honestly though, Esme's sense of style had decades to develop into something far better than anything education in this field could create.

Alice being Alice was very eager to go back to college and therefore it looked like Jasper would be going back too. Emmett had no plan and was helping Rosalie stay calm by giving her constant reassurance and lending his shoulder whenever she devolved into her hysterical rants about how unfair this all was.

Carlisle was also working very hard to reach out to different hospitals in the Northeast where he could secure a position as a doctor easily. It was looking like we were headed to Connecticut or New York and everyone had their two cents to throw in about where they'd rather land. Alice was positive we would end up in Ithaca, New York. I don't know why anyone bet against her anyway.

Between the anxiety over Bella and the excitement over the impending move, our house was more energized than usual. Jazz was gone quite a bit getting things done, but I knew he was also desperate to avoid the frenzy of emotions, particularly mine.

I had thought through things for two days now and I was still at odds. From Alice's visions I could clearly see a happy ending for both myself and Bella. If this happy path ended up being the way that things panned out, I could probably shirk the guilt I felt over Bella's fate over time. If things went dark I wasn't sure I had the strength to keep myself together. I knew that Bella would've surely died if there had been no action taken on my part but I still couldn't decide if Rosalie was right—if I had damned her to a life she would never be able to escape from.

Then there was the added weight of Bella's feelings towards me. Looking down at her flawless face, I could already feel the pull becoming stronger and stronger as the hours went by. This went beyond fascination and admiration now—I was tied mind, body and soul to this woman. How was I going to explain this when she woke up without completely overwhelming her?

Alice called to me in her mind from the kitchen downstairs. As she was putting pots and pans we would never use into boxes, she showed me the many ways Bella's introductions to this new life could go. She made sure to show me that my emotional fragility was directly correlated with Bella's meltdown. It seemed Bella was bound to freak out, though I was determined to do whatever I could to stop it. Alice showed a better result the more I was able to keep myself in control. This was obvious but I was unsure as to how I would handle myself when the time came.

Emmett came in the room and slapped a hand across my back. I looked up at him to see a huge smile plastered across his face.

"Dude, she is pretty freakin hot. How can you not be excited about this?"

I just shook my head. I could always count on Emmett to be frank.

"How about you go hunt so that you can be here when she wakes up. I'll watch over her for you, I promise," he stated sincerely.

Reluctantly, I agreed. I knew he was right and that I would not want to be separated from her once she was finally awake. I gave him a nod and left the house. As I distanced myself and entered the forest I became faintly aware of the feeling of loss that I always felt from my other family members whenever they left their mates. I smiled and lost myself to the hunt.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

BPOV

I was vaguely aware that I had been struck by something very hard but my brain failed to process what had actually happened. The last thing I remember before the darkness was Edward Cullen's beautiful face looking at me as though the sun had been extinguished. I smiled and slipped into a peaceful oblivion.

I can't say with any certainty at all how long I stayed in the dark but I was pulled back violently. The fire that wound through my veins was all-encompassing and eclipsed every other pain I had ever felt throughout my entire life. I was burning alive and it never seemed to end.

Through the razing fire I could feel my hips being burned especially hot where the pain from the impact had been. After that pain subsided, the fire moved equitably through my body. I was being scorched endlessly. In the beginning, I couldn't remember who I was or where I had been. Everything was red and I felt like I was floating alone in a sea of fire. Gradually, the fire became more manageable. I could remember my name. Then I could remember my life—my parents, my friends, my home.

The last things to come back were the events that occurred right before I fell into the oblivion of the aching hurt. I remembered tearing up in the parking lot at school at the sight of my snow chains. The fact that Charlie cared enough to wake up early and spend the time to make sure I would be safe was something I hadn't experienced in a while. I knew Renee loved me but I was used to taking care of her more so than she ever took care of me.

As I was thinking about all of this by my truck, I could remember a van hurtling towards me. I didn't even have time to react to the situation before I was pinned between the two vehicles. The strangest part was that I had felt no pain at that point, but more like a numbness. I felt foggy and hazy and I looked around me. Again, the last image I could think of was Edward's face with that sad, sad look as he ran towards me.

Though the fire was still burning me mercilessly, I was able to think. I was also starting to feel things in my limbs and hear voices. I wondered if I was going crazy. Certainly death wouldn't feel this cruel? Was I in the hospital in a coma? Where was Charlie?

The voices came and went and I was sure that I recognized them, though I couldn't place any. Then, I swear to all that is holy, Edward's voice began talking to me. And I was glad for it.

The soothing voice that my pain riddled mind had created was the only thing I had to distract me from the pain. Clearly, my mind had created some sort of auditory coping mechanism in the form of my strange, yet fascinating lab partner's voice. I suppose it made sense I heard Edward's voice. His face was the last image I could recall and if I had to rank voices, his was one of the loveliest I'd ever heard. If I had to spend eternity in my head, listening to fake voices, I'd chosen wisely. He talked to me about so many things—crazy things. Things that definitely were not real which meant that I was slowly, but surely, going out of my mind from agony. He repeated how sorry he was over and over. He explained that he couldn't stand to lose me so he had to intervene. I was beyond comprehension and simply gave in to the babble since it was better to listen to my auditory hallucinations and not focus on the pain.

It was then that my mind seriously decided to play tricks on me. Edward's voice began to tell me that he felt very strongly about me and that I had affected him in a way he never thought possible. He told me how beautiful I would be and how I would never have to worry about being sick, tired, sore or weak ever again. He apologized again and told me that I would live forever. He had turned me into something like him to save my life. The truck was going to kill me and he felt compelled to save me. He assured me that I had people who would help me through this but it was ultimately my choice and I could do what I desired with my immortality.

I was confused to the nth degree but I willed myself to focus on the voice. He began talking about drinking from humans and not wanting to be a monster. It seemed that he went on forever, the same as the fire, just talking to me.

I was mildly impressed by the depth to which my imagination concocted this elaborate tale. His voice was joined by others periodically. If I am admitting to hearing his voice then I had to also admit that the other random voices weren't actually random at all. They were his family members, including two that my mind had created—his mother and father—who I had never even seen before in my life. Of course, I knew a bit about his family from asking Angela and Jess, but I had never met the doctor and his wife, the enigmatic adopters of these kids. For me to have created all seven voices of this family was seriously impressive for my subconscious. To top it all off, they were all talking the same crazy talk about how beautiful I would be, whether or not Edward made the right decision, and how he saved me.

I had never talked to Emmett but my mind created a warm, booming voice for him. He told me how important I was to Edward and that he would help me in any way he could. He said that he hoped I could be all that Edward needed me to be. Then, he challenged me to an arm wrestling match when I woke up. I decided I liked imaginary Emmett.

If I weren't being burned like a coal in the fire then I might have laughed. As soon as I had the thought of burning like a coal, I immediately felt the flames again. Thinking of the pain brought me away from the voices and I lost time again. After an indeterminable stretch I was hearing Edward's voice again. I was also beginning to feel the flames recede from my extremities.

I knew that if I wanted to, I could move my fingers, my hand, and then my forearm. I thought about moving but I didn't want to chance it. What if I moved and the pain returned tenfold? As the pain ebbed, my heart began racing faster and faster as if trying to outrun the fire. I could finally feel my legs and arms, my hips and torso. My heart was cantering at a frightening pace and I began to panic. I was beyond thankful that the fire was leaving my body, but I had a feeling that my life was about to end. It was almost as if my heart knew that this was it and was giving its best shot to stay alive. I wanted to cry but I couldn't—all I could feel was a slight prickling in my eyes.

With a few last gallant and hard beats, my heart began to slow again and I calmed a bit. The calmness quickly evaporated as my heart slowed and slowed and I realized that I had been mistaken about the racing before—this part was surely the end. I silently told Charlie and Renee that I loved them, hoping that they would live long, fulfilling lives and would not take my death too hard. Thump. Thump. Thump.

I was sure I was dead. My heart had stopped, but so had the pain. I actually felt completely pain free. I took a breath and it felt wrong, like the air came into my lungs but it just sat there. My eyes snapped open as I let the air out again.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I own nothing

* * *

EPOV

When I came back I could tell that Bella was close to waking. Her heartbeat was humming like a bird, fighting my venom to keep itself alive. This was the end of Bella's human life and I was utterly unprepared for what would happen when those eyes finally opened. As if on cue, the rest of my family came into the room.

Jasper was exuding excitement, anxiety, love and fear. Normally, this crazy amount of emotions would drive him over the edge, but it seemed as though some of the emotion was stemming from himself. He was eager to see Bella as a vampire.

Unfortunately for Jasper, he had the hardest time adhering to our diet of animals. He had spent many years of his life as a vampire drinking from humans. His empathetic gift was one of the biggest reasons for his change of heart, but Alice was the true motivator. He wanted to be the best man possible for her and that meant feeding from humans.

His previous indulgence in human blood made it extremely difficult to be around them and so he never got to meet Bella as a human. Though Bella was my singer, she still had a very appealing scent and Jasper thought it would be safer for everyone if he stayed far away. He had become interested in her once he could sense how I felt about her, recognizing the beginnings of a bond that would turn out to be much more than distanced curiosity.

I also gleaned that he was excited to be relieved of his place as the most bloodthirsty of the family. Jasper was a genuinely good person and I think it was a very secret burden of his to be the family member that couldn't fully control himself around human blood.

Emmett was also very excited. He saw Bella as a new sister for both himself and his wife. He had no ulterior motives and was sincerely thankful that I had someone to spend the rest of eternity with. I could only hope that Bella would be as interested in that possibility as I was.

Esme was beaming, leaning into Carlisle. She thought of me and about how our family would finally be complete. I smiled quickly at my beloved mother.

Carlisle was thinking pragmatically, as usual.

_I left a bag of blood in the next room, but I was thinking maybe we should just avoid using human blood altogether. It may help take away any temptation she may have._

I nodded towards him subtly. Anything at all that could make this easier on her is what I would do.

Rosalie surprised me a bit—she was obviously fearful and slightly jealous of Bella. She thought Bella was beautiful and wondered if Bella's beauty might surpass her own. Aside from these rather self-centered thoughts there was also a current of excitement running through her. Rosalie harbored no ill will towards Bella. If anything, Rosalie had determined that she would take Bella under her wing and protect her from anything and everything. After all, it wasn't Bella's fault I had chosen this life for her. I was very glad for Rosalie's decision to befriend Bella, since her stubbornness tended to make all decisions final.

Alice was positively vibrating next to Jasper. I could tell she was just about to jump out of her skin with anticipation. I knew how hard it was for her to rein it in when she had seen so much in all of our futures that directly involved Bella. I saw Bella and Alice together in many different scenarios flashing across Alice's mind, and in all of them they seemed genuinely content. Alice flashed me a gorgeous smile.

"It's time" she whispered.

All of us listened as we heard Bella's heart slow to an agonizing pace before beating for the last time. We held our breaths as Bella took her first breath in. She seemed to hesitate and then exhaled as her eyes opened as wide as saucers.

I was more alive than ever as my eyes raked across this beautiful girl's body. I felt like a plucked tension wire, trembling and waiting to snap. I didn't know what to do as she wiggled her fingers and slowly brought her hand up to look at with her new, improved vision. She swiftly reached down, feeling the area where the van and truck had nearly severed her in two and found it whole and smooth under her shirt.

Suddenly her eyes locked with mine. I was frozen and terrified while my body pulsed with energy and anticipation. Why had she looked at me first? Was she as aware of me as I was of her? Her brows furrowed as she looked at me.

"Was that real?"

She jumped at the sound of her voice, which hadn't changed much but had taken on that ethereal quality all vampires shared.

"Was what real, Bella?" I asked.

She sat up swiftly and was by my side in less than an instant. Seemingly undisturbed by her superhuman speed, Bella reached out to touch my face. Her hand sent a warm current through my body and I shuddered involuntarily. Her eyes opened wider as she looked at me.

"Were you really here the whole time? Did you…was I…" her voice trailed off as she heard Alice clear her throat behind her.

In an instant, Bella crouched in the corner of the room, her eyes blazing red. She was clearly frightened, though I couldn't say what was truly happening inside her mind as it was still silent to me. I had lost the sound of her heartbeat and the brown of her eyes, yet the most infuriating feature of this young woman lingered in her immortality.

"Hi, Bella. Do you remember me?" Alice asked in the most quiet and soothing voice she could muster.

Bella nodded from the corner. She stood up slowly, but the wary look in her eyes persisted. She took a step away from the corner and looked at me again with so many questions in her eyes.

Still conflicted, I took a step towards her. I held my hands up in a way that I hoped signaled that I meant her no harm.

"Bella, do you know what happened to you?"

"What happened to me? I…remember a van coming towards me in the school parking lot and…I think it hit me," she started to curl in on herself and sunk back into the corner of the room repeating the words, "why can't I cry?" over and over again in a hushed, panicked tone.

I could see Alice flashing me visions of the different ways this next part could pan out. I was used to navigating these images but with Bella being a temperamental newborn there were endless possibilities as to how she would react. It seemed if there was going to be a hysterical breakdown, it was going to happen now. I had to try to make her feel as comfortable as possible to stop her from truly falling apart and risk her running away or shutting us out.

"Alice, do you mind taking the rest of the family downstairs? I think I need to explain some things for Bella and it'd probably be easier if it was just us."

The visions slowed in her mind and I could see that I was on the right track. Alice smiled and nodded at me while ushering the rest of my family out. I knew they were slightly disappointed but I had brought this upon Bella and I needed to be there for her. If that meant asking my family to leave as I explained things then so be it. Alice gave a reassuring look towards Bella as she shut the door but Bella was still cowered in the corner looking at the ground.

Once my family cleared the room, I waited for a moment. I didn't want to overwhelm her but I also knew that there had to be a million questions buzzing through her mind and I desperately wanted to set her mind at ease.

"Bella, I'm not going to hurt you. You can trust me." I paused and let me words sink in. I was going to calm her down and explain myself if it was the last thing I did. "Please, if you just sit next to me, I promise I will answer all of your questions truthfully".

She looked back up at me with the strangest expression on her face.

"Am I dead?"

She wasn't cutting corners. I inhaled deeply to comfort myself and prepared to tell her about the worst thing I had done in all my life.

"You did die, Bella. The van almost severed your body in two pieces."

With this comment, Bella's hands flew to her waist once again. I could tell she was working through the last events of her human life to figure out what had happened between now and then. I decided to continue.

"You were going to die and I couldn't let that happen. I saved you, but that interference had some very serious consequences."

I paused to let her absorb what I had just said. She seemed to be thinking very hard while looking at various parts of her body—her arms, her legs, her hair.

"Edward, I…I don't understand. If I died then how am I here? Whole? Alive?" her voice trembled.

If I could still cry, I would have shed a tear for this poor girl. In my selfishness, I had sentenced her to an eternal half-life. What kind of monster was I?

"Bella, you are a vampire. My family, we are all vampires, every one of us. I was able to save you because I am not human, but unfortunately, in order to save you I had to take away your humanity as well."

"So it was real. All of it," She stated.

Again, she was talking about reality and I was lost. Times like these made me so frustrated by her silent mind. I relied so heavily on my gift that I truly didn't know how to interpret words at face value. It was unnerving to have to understand to what she said aloud without seeing her mind's true intentions.

"Bella, all of this is real, I promise. What do you mean real?"

I'm certain that if she were still human, she'd be blushing. My interest was piqued once again as I wonder what could possibly make her embarrassed right now.

"I thought that I was in a coma, losing my mind. I kept hearing your voice, telling me all these crazy things. I heard your family and thought my mind had devolved into this twisted, elaborate world of senselessness. I thought the burning was my body dying and the voices were my mind's way of coping. I'm an idiot."

I wanted to rush to her side and comfort her, but I thought it might frighten her.

"You aren't crazy. I sat with you while you turned as much as possible. I didn't know you could hear me. What do you remember me telling you?"

Bella paused for a moment before answering.

"Everything."


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

BPOV

My mind was reeling from this sudden truth: everything that I had dreamed in my fiery haze was real. Edward had saved me from death by making me a vampire. It was a good thing I was now immortal because I am sure I would've died from shock. The fact that I was alive was mind-bending, but the existence of vampires was a lot to take in on top of that. Add in the fact that I was now one of these mythical creatures that had never existed in my world before this and I was at a complete loss.

How was I supposed to react? I wanted to curl in a ball and hide from everything one minute then run away as far as possible from all this the next.

As if this wasn't enough, my new mind hadn't missed anything that Edward had said to me. This included the way he said that he couldn't lose me and the strange way that I seemed to be so aware of every little thing he did.

I felt an enormous amount of pressure and I didn't even know why.

"In the beginning, I wasn't here at all. I couldn't even remember my own name. As the burning became more manageable, I could hear every single thing you said."

I could see Edward thinking very hard. He looked as if he was in pain.

I was feeling so overwhelmed and I couldn't deal with him falling apart as well. I didn't even know him well enough to know understand how to help him.

The ridiculousness of the whole situation came to the forefront of my mind. I was standing in a room somewhere in Edward Cullen's house. The same Edward Cullen who had terrified me beyond belief my first day at school and then proceeded to disappear for some time, only to return and act as if he had never acted so strange the first day.

He had explained that day to me while I was turning, but it still was completely surreal to think that a vampire had been plotting thousands of ways to kill me the second he smelled my blood.

I would have been satisfied to pretend that's where the weirdness with Edward Cullen ended but then there was the Edward I had met when he returned to school. He was polite, charming, and interested. He was disarmingly gorgeous and he had a way of getting to know me in a way that my other "friends" had failed to. I looked for him in the halls, the lunchroom and the parking lot. I had developed some strange fascination with this boy and now I would live forever. And so would he.

Edward cleared his throat and hesitantly began speaking again.

"Bella, I know it's a lot. It's too much and it's unfair that you are in this situation in the first place because of my decision. You owe me nothing, but I owe you everything and I vow to do everything in my power to help you. You're probably very thirsty, right?" He trailed off, waiting for my response.

I hadn't even thought of that aspect of my new life with all the thoughts running rampant in my head, trying to catch me up. Upon the mere mention of thirst, my throat blazed. The dry heat was a ghost of the fire I had felt while changing but it was consuming and I suddenly could think of nothing else.

My hands flew to my throat.

"Edward, it hurts," I breathed, "What do I do?"

With a sad look on his face, he gestured for me to follow him. Warily, I trailed behind him as he made his way downstairs.

We passed a huge, open living room where the rest of his family had gathered. I desperately needed to quench the dry ache in my throat and I was terrified of seeing and talking to them. I needed to get out of there. Sensing my desperation, Jasper nodded to Edward and told him that he needed to take me hunting. Immediately.

Another knowing, handsome man interjected, who I assume was Carlisle.

"Bella, I know you are thirsty and we have to deal with that before anything else. Has Edward explained our diet to you?"

I nodded. I thought back to the things Edward had told me about how his family preferred not to be monsters—to do anything to abstain from taking a human life. Apparently, this meant Bambi was on the menu.

Honestly, I didn't care what I was about to do. The burning needed to stop. I felt I was going mad with thirst.

Carlisle smiled a genuine and radiant smile at me and ushered us out the door.

"Bella, welcome to our family. Edward will take you. When you come back we can talk and explain everything much more."

I saw Edward and Carlisle engage in some sort of silent exchange and Edward's face darkened. Beyond curiosity and etiquette, I pulled his hand and reached for the door.

The doorknob ripped out of the solid oak door with a loud crack. Horrified, I looked back at the Cullens.

Emmett and Alice were laughing while the rest had a look of shock on their faces and I felt a flash of shame before the thirst clouded my vision again.

"Don't worry, Bella. Let's go. I'll teach you everything I know."

We headed out the door and started running. I felt this incredible rush from the sensations of the trees flashing by me. I was moving as fast as Edward, faster than I'd ever driven, and yet I could still make out the tiniest details of the forest around me.

Edward stopped in front of the river quite gracefully while I skidded to a halt. I looked at him questioningly, wondering where we were going. He put his long, slender index finger over his lips and pointed to the clearing across the water.

My mind simultaneously took in the herd of deer some hundred meters away, while also cataloguing the way his finger had brushed his mouth. If I had still been human there was no way I could've seen the deer from this distance. I marveled at my new sight.

He tapped my shoulder again and pointed to his nose.

"Close your eyes," he paused. "What do you smell?"

I lowered my lids and took in a deep breath. My mouth watered at the scent of the warm, wet blood I could smell pumping through the fast-beating hearts of the deer.

With a desperate tinge to my voice, I asked Edward what to do.

"Watch and learn," he said with a smirk.

I observed him as he melted away with the forest, silently stalking the herd. The deer were blissfully unaware of the predator hunting them. When he was a car's length from the closest deer he stopped and looked back at me quickly before motioning for me to join him.

Something primal was stirring within me as I quietly retraced his steps. I could feel the energy radiating off the animals and it was making me crazy.

When Edward looked over at me, his eyes were black. He gave me a look before he nodded for me to go.

As quiet as anything he whispered, "follow your instincts" and leaped onto one of the herd.

I jumped and caught a doe by the throat. My teeth cut effortlessly into the animal's throat and I began to draw the blood into my mouth.

Overpowering relief came with each pull and I felt like I was flying.

Once I had sucked all the blood from the body, I dropped the poor thing. Realization hit me that I had just drained the life from a deer, in the middle of the forest with my strangely fascinating vampire Biology partner. I had to suppress a giggle as I looked over at Edward.

My giggles died in my throat as my eyes locked on Edward feeding. I felt a sudden and intense wave of lust and I felt like pouncing on him and licking off the blood that had trickled down the side of his mouth. Thank God for small miracles—he was distracted and hadn't seen my sudden hunger for him.

He finished and looked over to me before smiling and looking away.

"How did that feel?"

I would be as red as a tomato if I had the ability to blush.

"Good. Really, really good. The burning in the back of my throat is still there though."

He walked over to me and motioned to my cheek, wiping his own mouth as he did.

"I'm afraid that will always be there. It's part of the curse of this life. It will never be as bad as now—I am sorry. As a newborn, this is the strongest your thirst will ever be."

I must have looked panicked.

"Don't worry. As time goes on, the thirst becomes more manageable. You do realize we met in school, where my family and I were surrounded by hundreds of people each day?"

Of course, I hadn't thought of that. The thirst felt very strong but I trusted Edward that this would be something I could handle in time.

"I feel okay but it still hurts," I responded. "Can we maybe go again?"

Edward gave me a heart stopping look as he raced off after the deer that had scattered after our attack.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I own nothing

* * *

EPOV

She was amazing. Incredible. As frustratingly fascinating as ever and I was feeling such forceful mixed emotions about it all. I didn't even know how I was functioning with the war raging inside of me.

On one hand, I was absolutely and utterly elated. She was glorious and she could be mine. I had been alone, surrounded by three pairs of perfect matches, for an endless amount of time. I wasn't the only family member who had the word "finally" playing on repeat in my head.

She was beautiful and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. As I brought her downstairs take her to hunt, my family's excitement was through the roof. Jasper was beaming—how could he not—but I was surprised to see Rose smiling as well. It felt like things were falling into place.

As perfect as things seemed, I couldn't fight the tragedy and magnitude of what I'd done to Bella. I was simultaneously rising in my joy and conversely drowning in my guilt. What had I done to this girl? Would she ever be able to forgive me—much less love me—after what I did?

She was wholly focused on the hunt so I tried to be in the moment with her. She deserved my presence in the here and now.

I modeled for her how to hunt but I should've known that she didn't need me. I simply told her, "trust your instincts" and she was off. She was wild and sensuous and I couldn't look away.

I had felt many things through the minds of those surrounding me for the many years but I had never felt what I was feeling for Bella now. She was all that mattered and I could quite literally feel my heart being anchored to her, as if there was no other option but to be near her. I felt love, devotion, lust, passion and concern for someone for the first time in a way that wasn't focused on my family or blood.

It was a powerful feeling and it intensified as I fed. I tried to focus on my meal so I wouldn't put any unsolicited attention on her. It was enough dealing with the end of her human life and the dawn of her life as a vampire—she didn't need to deal with my infatuation at the same time. I could wait.

When she finished, she was a mess. Her clothing was ripped and she had blood stains on her shirt, hands and face. I motioned for her to wipe her mouth—it was far too distracting to try and talk to her when I wanted to pin her beneath me while slowly and sensuously licking off each drop. I really needed to keep these impulses under control.

We tore off after the remaining deer after she indicated that she was still hungry. Of course she would be. She was, after all, a newborn vampire with an insatiable thirst for blood at the peak of its desperation. She would need a lot more than one deer.

We were running fast and she was able to keep pace with me, which said a lot. I was by far the fastest in the family. It looked like her newborn strength translated into newborn speed as well. I relished in the feeling of being able to run side by side with this wonderful person.

We would never get tired, never grow old, and never grow sick. Vampire were set in stone not only in appearance but in personalities and thought patterns as well. Rare occasions, such as finding one's mate, changed us forever. I was feeling things I had never experienced before and I wanted things that had never even crossed my mind previously. I had to take this logically and think of all the signs that seemed to be pointing to one thing—Bella was my mate.

I had thought of this life as a curse for a very, very long time. Being alone while surrounded by utter devotion and fulfillment through the couples in my family was beyond difficult at times. I had ventured out on my own, but this existence is impossible without someone to be there to help you through. Being with my family was infinitely better than being without them—though I felt the weight of their love every single day.

With the possibility of Bella being that person for me, my views had shifted. This life was made for finding my other half. The epic love stories written by Shakespeare had no match for the endless love of a vampire and his mate. We had eternity to be together and I was feeling desperate to start. I had waited so long for her, but I needed her to want this. I had to tell myself again—I could wait.

We were closing in on another herd of deer when Bella suddenly switched directions and ran south. I knew immediately what was happening as the sharp scent of human blood hit me. My worst fears hit me all at once as I bolted after her. I had to stop her.

It seemed that she was just playing before as we ran—she was impossibly fast. I had outrun every vampire I had ever come across in my life and now the one time I absolutely needed to catch one, I couldn't. She was over a football field away from me and the distance between us was lengthening. A ball of apprehension was rolling in my stomach and I feared for the worst. I could hear my cellphone ringing and I knew it was Alice—she had foreseen what was about to happen, of course, but I didn't have the time to talk to her now.

I lost visual contact of Bella and panicked further. Luckily, I was still able to follow her scent and track her but my hopes of intervening before she did something unfathomable were dwindling. How could I be so stupid hunting so close to humans? I should've known better than to go with just Bella but I had been selfish—I wanted her first hunting experience to be with me and me alone.

I smelled the blood before I reached them. I knew that a human was bleeding and it was a serious injury with a lot of blood if I could smell it all the way from here. As I drew closer, I knew that it wasn't an accidental blood loss. Bella's scent was mixed thoroughly with the human's and I knew.

I entered the patch of forest near a tree stand and froze. A hunter, who had been camped out in full camouflage, was in Bella's arms. She was crouched over him and growling at me. He was dead.

"Bella, no!" I cried, defeated.

The ferocity in her eyes diminished the smallest amount as recognition grew. She slowly moved away from the body and backed away from me, looking at her hands, now stained a violent red from the hunter's blood. I could see her mind working to catch up with the attack as she slowly returned to herself.

My phone was still ringing nonstop in my pocket so I finally took it out and threw it to the nearest tree, where it smashed into pieces. I was beyond angry at myself. This human was dead because of me. The guilt that was beginning to cloud Bella's features would be there for an eternity because of me.

She sank to the ground three feet from the man, her own body shuddering and shaking. I knew that if she had been human she would be in a full on melt down. I felt my heart break for her.

She slowly crawled to the man, who laid lifeless and ghostly pale, and began whispering apologies over and over.

I couldn't stay here. I was toxic to this girl. Ever since she had entered my life she had been constantly thrust into danger. I thought saving her from the truck was the right choice but I was wrong. To live with me for eternity would be a hell on earth that no creature should endure. I turned on my heel and ran away. I ran away from my life, away from my family, away from my guilt—away from her. I would allow my family to find her and care for her in a way I would never be able to by removing my cursed existence from them. She could become something better, something more, if I were far away. I tried to comfort myself with the thought that she would be better off as I left everything I had ever known behind me. I would not be found.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

APOV

Things had been absolutely perfect. I was seeing my brother happy, with his mate and my newest sister. I couldn't explain how happy it made me to see Edward finally complete. He had been alone for so long and it killed me to see that my family's happiness was a burden for him every single day.

As soon as Bella entered our lives, visions would flash that gave me hope. She would be significant to him and she would become my dear friend. No one could have prepared for the accident though—not even me.

It was unquestionable that Edward would save her. She was special and I knew immediately that he had made the right choice. Visions solidified before my eyes of Bella and Edward together, and not just as friends. As gross as romantic and lusty images of my brother and Bella were, I bounced with anticipation. He had finally met his match!

I had to be very careful, though. Edward wouldn't take it very well if he saw this information through me (I could tell, obviously). He was the sort of person who had to figure things out for himself to really, truly believe something so until then, I'd have to recite Uncle Tom's Cabin or practice my Portuguese in my head to block him out. He was going to be much more focused on Bella anyway to even wonder why I was blocking.

As she turned, she became even more beautiful. I could tell Edward wanted to be alone with her but she couldn't wake up looking like she had died…um…literally. So I took a cloth and washed her skin and dressed her in a cute, but practical outfit. She would hunt for the first time, so it had to be useful but it would also be her first time seeing herself as a gorgeous immortal, so it had to be fabulous as well.

I knew Bella wouldn't share my appreciation for fashion when she woke up but I could still sense that this woman would become as close to a sister that I'd ever get. Don't get me wrong—I loved Rosalie—but sometimes we had differing priorities and that made it hard to always see eye to eye with her. And though I had everything I could ever need or want in my mate, Jasper, I still longed for the companionship of a best friend. She would be this for me and I honestly couldn't wait for her to wake up.

When she finally did, my family was bursting with excitement—even Rose. We hadn't had a new addition to the family since Jasper and I had joined. We embraced this new change and were eager to help Bella transition. I could see that our enthusiasm would have to wait as Edward wanted to be alone with her. I kept the family downstairs until the two of them emerged, Bella looking wary and ready to tear the head off a kitten she was so thirsty.

As they left, Bella ripped the handle off our door and I couldn't help but laugh. My best friend was clumsy! I couldn't wait to help her reign in her strength and learn how to act human!

While they were hunting, I checked in on them but they were both dangerously close to acting on some pretty intense sexual impulses and I did NOT want to intrude in that. Instead, I imagined Bella and me at college—maybe as roommates with our hunky boys across the hall! We could have so much fun. I was decorating our dorm room in my mind when suddenly an image of Bella tearing into a human's neck flashed to the forefront of my mind.

I couldn't tell where she was, or why Edward wasn't with her. Jasper was instantly at my side but I was trying desperately to concentrate and gather more details of my vision.

The human was a male and he was wearing hunting attire. Next to them was the base of a tree stand—the towers that human used to wait for their prey while hunting. I could see that Bella was already covered in blood, but the man's was now mingling with what I assumed was her prior meal.

I called Edward immediately. We had to stop this before she even smelled the blood.

"Alice, honey, you have to tell me what is wrong," Jasper urged in my ear.

At this point, the whole family was gathered around me, looking at me with various levels of fear and concern.

"I just saw Bella attacking a human and Edward is nowhere to be seen."

Next I saw Edward running into the space and seeing Bella. The look on his face would break my heart for eternity—I knew.

He was clearly having some sort of internal debate as he called out to Bella to stop her.

As I was being assaulted with these visions I threw my phone at Jasper and told him to keep trying, then I ran from the house towards what I hoped to be the right direction. Humans were only allowed to hunt in certain parts of the forest so I was running there as fast as I could, knowing my family was racing with me to stop the inevitable.

The vision continued to unfold, showing Bella's clarity return. As the haze of the hunt left her, the all-encompassing guilt took over. Bella leaned over the man and whispered silently, shaking her head.

Edward was frozen and I couldn't tell what was wrong. He still had that same look on his face and in a flash he was gone. Bella didn't even look up as he left her alone, slowly coming apart over the body of the man she had now killed.

I panicked.

"Stop!" I yelled. "Edward's left her. He ran from her. I can't tell where he's going, either. He doesn't want us to follow."

Everyone paused. Esme's face fell immediately.

"We will find Bella first—we need to get her under control so she doesn't hurt anyone else and then Esme and I will follow Edward," Carlisle stated with his tone of authority he so rarely used.

My family raced with a new urgency towards Bella, with me leading the way. The vision was expanding and I could now pinpoint her exact location. If we had time, I would've stressed that we be delicate with our approach but with Edward's sudden disappearance and the stress of the situation there was no time to consider caution. I burst into the area with Emmett hot on my tail. Bella didn't move.

As the rest of my family arrived, Carlisle moved around to Bella's side, gently guiding her away from the body. He spoke in a low and warm voice to Bella, and led her to Esme's side where the two of them relinquished her to me. Rosalie rapidly replaced Esme and we held this broken and shaking girl with tattered clothes and blood stains. She looked more like the victim of a vampire rather than a vampire herself and I couldn't see a single thing when it came to Bella's future.

Carlisle turned to me and said, "Esme and I will follow Edward's trail. If you see anything, call me."

The two of them looked at each of us and vanished. Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie and I were now in charge of getting this shattered girl back to the house and somehow relay what had happened without further damaging her. This was a nightmare and it could honestly become a whole lot worse. I felt blind and utterly helpless without my sight, but I didn't have time to think about myself—we had to get Bella home before she really became aware of what was happening.

Jasper stayed behind to deal with the body. I gave him a sympathetic look before we left, hating that he had to deal with the grisly task of hiding our mistakes.

As soon as we got Bella inside, we took her back upstairs to the room she woke up in. I hoped that the familiarity of the room would help ease her suffering. Though I couldn't see exactly what was coming, I could feel it was going to be unpleasant. I knew in my gut that the only person who could really help Bella through this was gone.

Rosalie tended to Bella, using the same method I had in washing away the dirt and blood from when she was turning. It felt like déjà vu having Bella here, in this room, catatonic. She held such a vacant, defeated look in her eyes—I wasn't even sure if she was aware of us.

I got her into some different clothes and asked Emmett to join us once Bella was decent.

She couldn't hunt again—that was for sure—until we knew she could handle herself. I thought of a crazy idea to make a corral and keep a couple deer in there so we could just bring her food. It wasn't ideal but it was the only option I could think of. I asked Emmett to do this, and though he gave me a strange look, he complied.

Rosalie was being wonderful, too. She was sitting next to Bella in the chair Edward had occupied during Bella's transition, holding her hand exactly like he had. Bella was shaking less and less as the minutes ticked by and I could sense that she was calming. As she did, her future became less and less murky, bringing me at least some sense of peace.

Jasper was back and I looked to Rose to see if she would be okay with Bella alone.

"Go ahead, I just want to stay with her while she calms," she responded.

As I ran into Jasper's arms, I was ready to have a breakdown myself. How did I not see this coming? I should have seen that Edward and Bella were too close to the hunting grounds. I should've seen that having just Edward there wouldn't be enough. I should've seen that if this terrible event occurred, Edward would take this on as his fault and leave us.

Sensing my needs, Jasper cradled me and whispered into my ear that things would be okay and that it wasn't my fault. My gifts are not fault proof and I had done everything within my power to make this right.

I knew he was right but I still felt terrible. Visions of Carlisle and Esme reaching the sea were hitting me now and I sighed with resignation to the fact that we would not find Edward if he didn't want to be found.

"Edward isn't coming back. Carlisle and Esme followed his trail to the sea and they can't do anything else. He isn't coming back."

"Shh, darling," Jasper cooed, "I promise you, things will be okay. We will get through this, as we always do."

I hoped he was right.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I own nothing

* * *

JPOV

The next few months directly following the incident were brutal. The moment we arrived in the clearing, seeing Bella covered in the man's blood, I knew we were in trouble. She was blank in both expression and in the sense that I couldn't get any sort of read off of her. It was as if she had turned off her emotions completely—like there wasn't anyone there at all.

Alice was all cool calmness on the outside but I could feel the panic bubbling behind her façade. She couldn't see Bella's future anymore, and Edward was constantly changing his mind to keep us from finding him. She was frustrated and grieving for the loss of her brother and the loss of a best friend she expected to love. Instead she was left with a shell of a girl; lifeless, listless and broken.

When Carlisle and Esme returned from the sea, the family met and decided that we would continue caring for Bella (a completely unanimous decision) and that we would not go after Edward (a not-so unanimous decision). Edward couldn't be forced into anything and therefore, the idea to come home had to stem from him. We wouldn't be able to convince him of something he wasn't open to. He'd come home when he felt he was ready.

For a while, Rose was calling Edward every day. She'd leave him messages of the day we'd had. In the beginning months, she was supremely angry and hostile. The messages were never pleasant and she made no attempt to sugarcoat things for him. She told him of the ghost of a girl lingering in our upstairs bedroom, refusing to eat, blink, and breathe. She told him of the utter mess our family had devolved into with his absence and Bella's condition.

Everyone felt the effects of the incident. Carlisle and Esme had kept to themselves much more. We all knew Esme was completely heartbroken by Edward's departure and I could feel Carlisle's disappointment over Edward's choice and surprisingly, his guilt that we were all here experiencing this tragedy in the first place by creating most of us.

Rose was on a mission to bring as much pain to Edward as possible through her messages but she also was merciless in her attempts to rehabilitate Bella. She rarely left her side. Day after day, Rose cared for her by talking to her, grooming her, attempting to feed her.

Alice had tried too, in the beginning, but the lack of progress and her inability to see whether or not the efforts would pay off took away her motivation. She still loved Bella deeply but couldn't put in the emotional effort of taking care of her any longer.

Both Emmett and I were feeling the effects of our less than present mates. Emmett was the most resilient of us all, but even his jovial attitude had made way for a more somber presence. We needed our mates—we needed our family to be whole again. I had a feeling things weren't going to improve until Bella did and I doubted Bella could be reached without Edward.

The sheer weight of the emotions in the household was making it hard for me to even be there. Alice and I would take extended trips. Though she wouldn't admit it to the family, I knew she was hoping to run into Edward. These times away from the house provided at least some sort of relief but then our anxiety about the situation we'd left would grow and we'd miss our family too much to be separated much longer.

For three months we lived like this. Bella was basically withering away before our eyes. Since she wouldn't eat, her skin was turning translucent and had started taking on a papery quality. The worst part was her eyes. After the attack they had such a vacant expression in them—as if she was dead—but with every passing day they had started becoming milky and clouded.

While Bella declined, we trudged along and coped in our own way. Emmett became the caretaker, Rose continued her obsession with Bella's recovery and hating Edward, Carlisle and Esme retreated into themselves and Alice and I took our trips away.

I could feel the despair eating us alive until hope appeared again. Alice and I were on one of our breaks when we received a phone call from Esme.

"Come home. Bella is moving!"

With those five words we were off, tearing through the forests, heading home. While we were running, Alice could see Bella's face but the visions were hazy and fractured. I felt Alice's smile before I saw it.

In the next few months, things got significantly better. With Bella's slow revival came a sense of renewal for the family. Once again, we had something to unite us. Her progress was excruciatingly slow. At first, she was simply blinking and breathing. Next, she began to feed from blood bags Carlisle had taken from the hospital. Slowly, but surely, Bella began to seem aware of the world around her. She began to acknowledge us, respond to our questions and communicate with us. She refused to hunt—all blood had to be brought directly to her. Though she wouldn't leave the house she was finally exploring our home thoroughly. She had taken over a guest room that she worked with Alice and Esme on to make it her own. She seemed almost normal again.

It seemed like a miracle to see her walking through the house, talking with my family members, but I still felt that void where I should have sensed her emotions. It was almost like she wasn't there at all. She showed almost no emotions on her face and I could sense even less. Brief flickers of happiness, shock, appreciation, hurt, anger, and guilt would appear but almost as soon as I felt them, they were gone.

Rose had continued to update Edward through voice messages. The fact that she was able to leave a new message every day was a good sign—he was alive out there. If he wasn't listening to them and deleting them then his phone would have run out of storage quite a while ago. This told us that he was deleting them immediately or listening then deleting. Either way, Edward was active out there somewhere, doing who knows what, but at least it was something.

We had given up hope that he would return after the first few months, and all of us avoided talking of him completely when Bella was around. It seemed like she relapsed when he was mentioned so we all desperately tried to avoid the reaction all together. Aside from Rose's messages, we rarely spoke his name.

One day, two months later and completely out of the blue, he called Alice. She had a vision a second prior—her sudden spike in surprise and relief alerting me to something big happening. I rushed to her side in an instant to listen. He said that he missed us and that he was thinking of settling down. He said he wanted to stop running and that he wanted to trust us not to come after him. Above all, he made Alice promise to keep Bella safe, but also, to make sure she never came near him again. Even through the phone I could hear his anguish. His voice sounded tired and worn—so unlike his voice before the accident. Alice promised and told him that we loved him and that we hoped he would change his mind. As wished him luck with everything, she smiled.

When she got off the phone she looked straight into my eyes and told me that he would be okay. She knew where he was, but she couldn't tell us. He needed to be alone for a while longer. I was a little frustrated that she was keeping this from me, along with everyone else, but I couldn't help being affected by her happiness from hearing from him finally. She told the rest of the family quietly, so as not to disturb Bella, but her excitement was contagious. Moods lifted and I felt such an overwhelming sense of relief. This was the most relaxed and contented I had felt since before Bella's death and I reveled in it.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

EPOV

I had been wandering aimlessly for five months straight. It was now nearing the end of June and I was sick of this pointlessness. I felt hollow and empty—a half-life version of myself. I longed for the utter completion I had found in Bella's presence but I knew that was not an option. I was toxic to her. I found myself missing my family more and more every day but the way I missed Bella eclipsed that immeasurably. I needed to find some way to place some meaning back into my life—to give me some sense of purpose.

I had been running from Alice's visions for so long, I somehow wound up in Ithaca without thinking. Carlisle and Esme had a house here and it didn't take long for me to take the sheets off the furniture and clean off the layers of dust that had collected. I had always liked it here and decided that I would reach out to Alice—to see if she would let me be.

When I called, I could sense how much she missed me. I assured her I loved and missed her too but I also needed her to know how tired I was. I needed a rest, some time to myself to collect my thoughts. I had hoped that she would respect my wishes and she lived up to those hopes. I really didn't give my family enough credit. Though I knew most of what was going on through Rosalie's daily voicemails, I couldn't bear to ask about how things were going with Bella. I lived for the news of my girl and yet I couldn't bring myself to gather enough courage to ask directly. Instead, I made Alice promise that she would keep Bella away and then let her wish me luck before hanging up.

Wallowing in my own self-pity for months now, I decided it was time for a change. Maybe getting another degree was the answer. Seeing as my mental state of mind was anything but sound, I bitterly thought psychology would be perfect. I didn't know how long I was planning on sticking around but I could always go on and get another Masters…another Doctorate. Maybe then I could do this world some good—I could help ease the mental anguish of others the way I couldn't help myself.

I had a lot of work to do in order to be accepted into Cornell for the fall. Jasper usually handled all of the false documentation, but I was on my own this time. I could've asked for help but I really didn't want to. I was perfectly capable of forging my own documents anyway. It was hardly a challenge getting in past the deadline—I granted the school an obscene amount of money in honor of my family and I was in. The new library would now bear our names—a permanent mark of my self-induced banishment.

Though I was busy getting everything ready for the start of school in the fall, I still had downtime. These were the moments that got the best of me, when I had absolutely nothing to do but think. I replayed the days after Bella's accident over and over. I scrutinized every detail, looking for anything I could've done to avoid what had happened. Because of me she hadn't died. I had accepted that part. Beyond saving her life, I wasn't sure what good had come from my intervention. I had stopped her death, sure, but in return she had been sentenced to something much, much worse.

The worst part of all was thinking of that day. I would forever be the reason Bella became a murderer. I had practically begged for an accident that day—my excitement and stubbornness clouding my judgment. I should have taken her to a place away from humans. I shouldn't have taken her alone.

I was depressed and regretful for much of my time; however, moments of happiness did have their place in my life. I loved hearing of Bella's progress from Rosalie's messages, though Rose still made it abundantly clear that I was the worst thing to ever happen to the poor girl. I could also hear how much happier my whole family had become since Bella's recovery. I found happiness thinking of my Bella—how beautiful she had been. Thinking of the exact color of her hair, the feel of her body, the look she gave me while hunting.

I often thought back to that day. Much of my overall thought patterns were negative but there was also the joy and possessiveness that had erupted from me at the sight of her hunting. I had felt things when she woke that I'd never felt before in my entire existence and I held on to those feelings as tightly as possible. I would never see her again, never feel those things again, but to have felt that kind of love in the first place was much more than I deserved.

I received a phone call from Carlisle about a week before school. I knew that Alice had kept my secret since Rosalie's messages had taken on a new theme: where in the world was Edward Cullen. Carlisle had truly surprised me by calling so I decided to answer.

"Edward," he sighed in relief. "I cannot convey how happy I am that you decided to speak with me."

I laughed.

"I've missed you, Carlisle, but you and I both know that I can't come home," I replied sadly.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. I think that coming home is completely up to you. You will always be welcome here. You are my son and you always will be." Carlisle's tone had become thick with emotion. "Though we all miss you tremendously, I also know that you've decided to be without us all for the time being and we will respect that."

"Thank you. I asked Alice to keep my plans secret but I want to tell you where I am. I miss you all, too, and I don't want to remain wholly separated if possible." I stopped to take a breath. "Plus, it would be nice to hear updates from someone other than Rosalie."

At that comment, Carlisle chuckled.

"Yes, I suppose her approach is rather callous. The underlying intention is there—she cares for you and she cares for her family. She wouldn't begrudge you if you decided to come back."

"I don't think that will be happening anytime soon. I'm starting at Cornell again in the fall. I'll be majoring in Psychology along with half the freshman class it seems."

"Ah yes, I do have a fondness for the inner workings of the human mind," Carlisle quipped.

After a slight pause, he shifted his questions.

"Esme and I would like to come to you. Your absence takes a great toll on her, you know. It would just be the two of us…I promise that the rest would remain and look after Bella."

I was taken aback by his unexpected proposition. I couldn't deny that I longed for the familiarity of my parents, but I also felt that I needed to be separate—to really do this on my own.

In the end, my heart won out over my mind and I accepted his request. I felt lighter than I had in a while, knowing my parents would be here soon and that I was taking steps towards affecting the world in a small, positive way. Though I was in no way feeling at ease or guilt free, I finally felt like I could begin to crawl out of the pit of despair I had hidden in for the last five months. For the first time in a while, I was able to take a deep breath and not feel so alone.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

BPOV

You know that moment when you are waking from a dream and you can feel the memory of it slip away with each added second of consciousness? That's how I felt coming out of what Rosalie was referring to as my "haze". As the days passed, I could remember less and less of my state of mind during that time. I could still remember every single detail of everything that happened leading up to the moment when he left, but after that, it's a blur and it only became murkier as more time went by.

Jasper told me to be thankful for this—to be thankful that I forgot. He said that what happened to me was unlike anything he'd ever seen before, and he'd seen a hell of a lot. Carlisle thought that I'd experienced my threshold of trauma and that my mind had quite simply shut down to protect itself but no one could really be sure.

I've tried getting it out of Jazz, but he still wouldn't talk to me about what it was like. I know now that he has the ability sense the emotions of those around him and he seemed rather troubled over what I must have put him through. Other than this refusal to let me in that information, Jasper had become my confidant. He understood me better than anyone else in the Cullen house, and that was saying a lot.

It was almost as if I'd found my second family. I was accepted and cared for and loved in a way that rivaled my real family. I missed Charlie and Renee fiercely but Alice had explained that there would be no going back. To see me alive would do more harm to them than any harm I caused in letting them believe the lie. I still had Alice check in on both of them for me, but like I said, I wanted for nothing.

Alice and Rosalie were my sisters in the truest sense. I'd always been an only child and therefore you'd think having a new set of siblings would take some adjustment time. This was absolutely not the case—even with Emmett. I couldn't believe that when I first arrived here in Forks I'd been intimidated by the lot of them; Rosalie's beauty, Jasper's intensity, Alice's enthusiasm and Emmett's sheer size. The truth is that Emmett was a giant softy on the inside and never failed to make me laugh, Jasper was a true friend and smart as hell, Alice was everything happy I never knew I needed in my life and Rose took care of me like a best friend never had before.

Carlisle and Esme had been wonderful too, but it seemed as though Esme was still very sad. They'd been the ones to sit down with me after my haze and explained what had happened in thorough details. It was very painful to hear them speak of Edward and to confirm that he had indeed left because of me—because of what happened. It was one of the worst conversations I'd had in my short life but it was made at least somewhat bearable by the compassion the two of them showed me. They promised that none of the family bore me any resentment and that I would forever be a Cullen, despite Edward's actions.

Esme took me into her arms and hugged me as if I were her own daughter. She promised to help me redecorate my new room. That was lovely and I was grateful to have my own space that finally felt like me. Though I loved my new family, I was still an introvert and I loved my time spent alone, getting lost in a book or discovering new music.

It seemed I could move on, if only my heart would let me. I still felt like something huge was missing but I tried really hard to put on a brave face. Every day, the four of my new siblings would teach me fantastic and wonderful things about this new life. I learned so much in those months and I was feeling like maybe I could do this whole vampire thing after all. I still wouldn't hunt, though. I would never put myself in that position ever again.

As the summer drew to a close, Carlisle surprised us all by calling us in for a family meeting. Alice had a forced, impassive look on her face, which told me right then and there that she already knew what was coming.

"So, I called Edward," he stated. He sat back, knowing that he had dropped a bomb on the entire family. Aside from our first conversation when I woke up from my haze and Rosalie's voicemails (yes, I knew about those), none of us ever talked about him. It hurt way too much. "I apologize, Bella, but you need to hear this."

Suddenly all six pairs of golden eyes were trained on me, looking for my reaction.

"Um," I responded not-so-eloquently, "I…I'll be okay. Please, go on."

Rose squeezed my hand under the table.

"Well, he called Alice quite some time ago asking if she could keep a secret. Apparently, trying to hide from Alice is exhausting." The family laughed nervously at this while I stared Alice down. She wouldn't look at me. "He's decided to go back to school at Cornell and is staying at our family home in Ithaca. I think he said he is trying to instill some normalcy back into his life."

Carlisle paused and looked around the table. Alice's eyes were cast downward—clearly she'd kept this secret from all of us. Jasper seemed unfazed, so maybe she had told him. Rose looked enraged and Emmett was smiling. Esme looked a bit nervous, to be honest, and I couldn't figure out what in the world she had to be nervous about.

"Carlisle and I don't think he should be alone right now," Esme paused. "I know some of you may become very upset, thinking of us leaving to go to him, but he is a member of this family and right now he needs us."

At this point, Esme looked directly in my eyes.

"Sweetheart, we've waited as long as we could. We waited for you to get better and for you to be in a healthy place where we feel Rose, Alice, Emmett and Jasper can take care of you. I hope you don't resent us for the fact that we are going to him, but I must make sure my son is okay. Do you understand?"

I was taken aback. She was asking if I was okay with her leaving me to chase after her lost son. The son who'd left me alone to face everything I'd done? The son who'd left me alone when all I wanted was him? I could feel myself about to explode with anger when unexpectedly I could feel Jasper calming me down.

"Easy, Bella."

The momentary peace allowed my mind to process and I decided that it wasn't Esme and Carlisle I was mad at—it was him. I was so, so angry at him but they were just being parents. If I thought of what Charlie would do if I were in Edward's place then it all made sense.

"No, no. I'm sorry—I can handle myself," I said as I turned towards Carlisle and Esme. "I am not mad at you. How could I be angry at you after everything you've done for me? I wouldn't be here without you. I am extremely hurt by him and if you go, please just promise that when you get back you tell me nothing of what is happening to him. I can't bear it."

At this point, I would've been sobbing had I still had the ability to cry. Rose hugged my shoulders.

"I understand that you need to go—he's your son. And…I…I'll miss you while you are gone," I stated lamely, attempting to smooth things over while pulling myself together.

Carlisle nodded to me and Esme hopped out of her seat and came over to embrace me. I knew that these two people had more goodness in them than a majority of the human population and that I would forever be indebted to them for their mercy. At this moment though, I couldn't help but feel an intense amount of resentment towards their son.

So he's living life as if nothing's happened, moving across country, going to college—an Ivy League college to be exact—and his wonderful parents were coming for a visit. Had I meant so little to him that he could just leave me after what he'd done?

I had to get away for a while so I went into the back yard to clear my mind. I wanted to go further, but my fear of murdering another innocent person kept me on the property. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as Jasper approached me from behind.

"Is it just me or does someone owe it to you to stick around once they've saved your life?" I questioned him.

"Bella, you know he felt very strongly for you. I know you heard everything he said as you were turning. You didn't make that up."

"Then how could he leave me? How is it even possible to feel like that about someone and then just leave them the second they make a mistake? Why wouldn't he stay, help me through it? Why did he leave?"

Jasper sat me down on the grass with our backs to the house.

"I couldn't read his mind Bella, but I could feel his emotions those first few days. Even before bringing you home, he felt guilty. He felt like he had sentenced you to a life as a soulless monster—for that is how he always viewed himself. I could also feel his utter devotion to you, and although neither of you could grasp it at the time, his love."

At this remark, I scoffed loudly. Love. What did Edward know about love? Nothing.

"I know you don't want to hear it, Bella," he started again, "but he did love you and I think that is what made what happened so much worse. Because he cared about you so, he felt doubly responsible for what happened to that man in the woods. In his eyes, you were innocent and he was a negligent criminal for having created you and then failing to keep you safe."

"Keep me safe?" I interjected, "I was the dangerous one!"

"I think you misunderstand me, Bella. He wanted to keep you safe from ever feeling as low as you felt that day. He wanted to protect you from the guilt that I know you've carried with you every day since you killed that man. That is what he wanted to keep you safe from."

How incredibly screwed up could he be. As Jasper revealed Edward's rationale, I found myself getting even more upset.

"How could he possibly think that leaving would aide me in any way then, if he knew how terrible I would feel?" I got up and started pacing in front of Jasper's feet. "And why, tell me, didn't he ever come back? I can understand taking a break, needing time away from a situation to get your head on straight but why wouldn't he then come home? It sounds as though he is perfectly content to just stay away forever."

Jasper looked up at me with a sad expression as I continued to rant.

"It's as if this all means nothing to him—his family, his life, his home. It all means nothing. And on top of leaving you all with the mess of his absence, he was able to just leave me. He's just gone."

I was angry and hurt but I was also supremely disappointed. I needed him to be here. I needed him to feel whole again. Jasper had Alice, Carlisle had Esme and Rose had Emmett—how was I supposed to live surrounded by this? How had he not thought of me once while he was gone? How had he not seen by now that staying away was doing more harm to me than good? How?

I sat down on the grass again and leaned into Jasper as I silently sobbed.

"I know, Bella." He stroked my hair as I wallowed. "Believe me, honey, I know."

I let myself be comforted by Jasper's soothing presence as I drowned in questions and thoughts of Edward once again.


End file.
